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Howdja get into journalism?
Fell into it, I guess. But alwys swore I'd never fall into the trap of writing any of those cop-out Q&A interviews.
What sort of thing do you write then?
Features, comment, analysis, news, mainly about the pro audio and musical instrument industries. Just give me a brief and a word count…
What about the rant?
Yeah, well most of my time I’m working for clients and writing business-related journalism. Doesn’t mean I can’t have an opinion about other things, does it?
Hardest assignment you've ever had?
Piss off with your Q&A crap. To see examples of my work, click here.
RANT: Southern Illiteratic
A few weeks ago, I received a billet doux from my friends at Southern Electric. The very name gets me going. Why, someone please tell me, has it been dumbed down to two juxtaposed adjectives? What was wrong with Southern Electricity? Was it simply to align with caricature housewives in Andy Capp-inspired dinner-lady headgear, chatting over backyard fences in Kenneth Williams voices about ‘the man from the electric’? What about us wot sez ‘Electric what?’? (Do you think that second question mark is really necessary?) And while we’re at it, isn’t there some convention about adverbs modifying adjectives? Shouldn’t it be Southerly Electric Whateveritmaybe? (I’d originally written Whateveritis, before realizing that it looked like the irritating condition afflicting teenagers in the presence of irritating parents.)
Be all those things as they may (and dear old Bill Gates’s software, as I wrote ‘may’, attempted to capitalize the word and turn it into a date – dontchajustlurve Microsoft?) I ripped open the latest missive from my illiterate electricity supplier to find a letter explaining how rarely it was forced to raise its prices, how often its competitors did and how I could save £££s by reading the enclosed booklet. So I read the booklet. Talk about inspirational ideas – I propose a bonus to the bright spark who came up with the suggestion that turning off equipment when you aren’t using it could save money (and there was me, every device in the house running full tilt all day long, just in case I might need it, Christ, the number of kid’s fingers that have been lost because the blender’s always on, and then you can’t hear yourself talk, especially with blow heaters making such a racket, so hot, too, in the summer, thank God the hair dryers keep on cutting out… ). And I learnt that the best way to save, apparently, is by buying unwanted white goods and accessories at inflated prices.
I also found quite a lot of information on the percentage rises imposed by Southerly Electric Illiteracy’s competitors. But not a word allowing me to identify the actual percentage rise from the company sending me this spin-laden dross.
I called and asked them, and they confirmed my suspicions. Their rises were greater – in percentage terms – than most of those they were bad-mouthing their competition for. So I did what any sane person would do. I went on to uSwitch and changed suppliers. I also told SEI why I was changing, and I asked that they note this on my account. Course they didn’t. They’ve written twice, and called once, and each time asked me why I’m dispensing with their service. Funny that. They expect me to listen to them, when they so plainly haven’t listened to me…
Gez Kahan
